Captain America
Captain America (1941-2007)(2009-) is the original protector of America, hero for our troops, and keeper of the Holy Documents of Truthiness Law. Captian America was given his powers to fight the Nazis during World War II. Stephen Colbert is Captain America in disguise, trying to relate to the commonfolk and the heroes: people that watch his show. Search also for God and Jesus. Origins Steve Rogers was a scrawny World War II recruit who underwent military scientific experiments which gave him incredible strength and powers to help America defeat the Nazis and the Axis Nazi, Red Skull. The experiments turned Rogers into a blond haired, blue eyed, muscle-bound super soldier. That'll show those Nazis, and their wacky theories about the superiority of blond haried, blue eyed people! Factoids *After WWII, was frozen in a suspended state of animation, to be thawed out again when America faced peril. *Hasn't paid his income taxes since '44. *Gets ladies every single night. Nemeseses *Hitler *Iron Man Now that he is back from the dead. They play poker on fridays again, and the ocastional beer. *Red Skull *Axis Nazis Characteristics *'Height:' 6'2" (1.88 m) *'Weight:' 240 lbs (109 kg) *'Eyes:' Blue *(wow he is just perfect that i would lock him in my room and do very dirty things to him and make him fuck me real hard every single night!!! Steve's Details *'Status:' Single (ladies...) *'Here for:' Networking, Dating, Serious Relationships, Strategery, Friends *'Orientation:' Straight (likes woman) *'Hometown:' Brooklyn, New York *'Body type:' Peak Human *'Ethnicity:' White *'Zodiac Sign:' Cancer *'Smoke / Drink:' sometimes / Yes *'Children: none' *'Education:' some Art School, Professor X telepathically taught me air conditioning repair *'Occupation:' Superhero *'Income:' $30,000 to $45,000 His Demise? Captain America was fatally shot by a sniper on the courthouse steps as he was being led to trial for his opposition to the Superhero Identities Registration Act. The identity of the sniper is Brock Rumlow/Crossbones but Sharon Carter, an intelligence agent formerly romantically linked with Captain America, who was under the control of evil supervillain Dr. Faustus, at the time Captain America got shot and was tricked into believing she shot him. Recently, new evidence has emerged that indicates Captain America may have survived the initial shots, and that efforts are being made to keep him alive. However, it was just a new Captain America created by Iron Man in an attempt at redemption. Rumors are he has a sword and a gun in addition to a shield. This new Cap is actually the original's former sidekick "Bucky" who had spent the last few years being a filthy communist assassin and banging Ruskies His return When the Green Goblin tried to take over America, his gay lover the Red Skull revealed that he was the one who planned the assassination after all. His evil plan is to take Cap's body and put his mind into it to take over with his life partner and kill the "New Cap". When the Red Skull succeeded, he attacked Bucky, but The original Cap's mind saw this and went,"AWW HELL NO!!" and took back control. And Captain America was back. The Ceremonial Transfer Of The Shield After his alleged death, during the reading of Cap's will, it was revealed that he had bequeathed his indestructible shield (made of a a fusion of Wakandan vibranium with an experimental steel alloy) to Stephen Colbert, the only man with the red, white and blueballs to wield it. After reading Cap's Last Will and Testament, Quesada quickly snuck out of the Marvel's offices with the shield. After a small "transfer of power" ceremony occurring on the Avenger's Quinjet, followed by several intense hours of introspection and deliberation with Mr. Colbert, Quesada and Colbert both felt it would be best to make a public statement of his inheriting the shield. Not as way of raising Mr. Colbert's status even further (if that is even possible), nor as a cheap ratings stunt, but rather to let evildoers across the globe know that even with Cap's supposed demise, there is no still place for them to hide. A clear message had to be sent that the mantle had been passed and that the Marvel Universe has gained a new (Colbert) Nation and remains secure. Dr. Colbert has vowed to use the shield's powers only to safeguard America and to impress girls and to fuck them real hard every night! See Also *Comic Justice *Joe Quesada External Tubes *[http://community.livejournal.com/ontd_political/6278224.html Shocking News: Captain America is Actually Captain Mexico! He has a Burrito in his pants instead of a Hot Dog!!!